Thursday, October 20, 2011

The WORST 10 minutes of my life...

So Monday Nick had a follow-up with the doctor who performed the surgery. I knew it was going to be painful, for both of us.

I didn't know it would leave a scar on my heart for the rest of my life....

He had to use a speculum to get Nick's eye open, it was still swollen completely shut and I wasn't even able open it with my fingers to put eye drops in. It was so sensitive and tender, of course he started screaming right away. I was holding him the entire time which might have made things harder for me. Mainly because I had a front row view of what was about to happen.
So his eyelids are peeled back and all you can see is tissue, no actual eyeball parts, like the iris and pupil. And then the doctor starts poking around, no big deal, I know it might hurt a little, I'm praying not too much but it will be over soon and everything will be okay....wrong.

Apparently, the congunciva, which is the clear mucous membrane that covers the sclera or the white part of the eyeball (it does not cover the iris or pupil area) was so swollen that it had started to cover the entire eye and grow together over the iris and pupil. This had to be cut to put in the scleral buckle that he had performed during surgery. He said that it was very swollen after surgery and he had a hard time sewing it back together but he was surprised it was still so swollen and actually growing together over the iris.

Here comes the worst be able to look at Nick's retina he had to basically tear it apart.....with sharp, pointy tweezers. It was the goriest scene, it looked like some type of torture tactic performed on enemy spies. Nick was crying like I've never heard him cry before. I prayed that God would take his pain away and give it to me, let him pass out, something...anything....please dear Lord.

The doctor did give Nick quite a few numbing drops and I know that helped but it didn't help me. Here I am holding my baby boy and letting them torture him, just letting him cry. With every part of my being I wanted to push them away and run out of that horrible room. But I didn't, I have quite a bit of guilt from this. I keep trying to remind myself that the doctor knew what he was doing (I pray) and Nick didn't feel much and he really need to look at his eye to really see what was going on and to see how things were looking. But it doesn't take the guilt away.

I kept a poker face the whole time, honestly, I think the nurse was getting queasy. She had to keep looking away. I didn't bother me, the actual procedure, but the torturing my baby boy did...a lot. And I really don't know how Nick didn't pass out... I cried for over an hour after we left the office, I really felt like a failure. Like I didn't do my job as a mommy and keep my baby boy safe. It really was the hardest 10 minutes of my life and I will never, ever, forget it. No matter how much I want to.

As soon as the doctor finished, I held Nick so close and just held him. He fell asleep almost immediately. He slept for 4-5 hours.

Then he woke up happy. Yes, he was happy, he was smiling and acting normal. I was so thankful he wasn't it a ton of pain or crying and I wouldn't know exactly why.

Unfortunately, the doctor also thinks Nick has a cataract now. He said it could be because air got to his lens during the procedure or because of the oil exchange they did during the vitrectomy. If it was because of the air, he said it would resolve itself. But if it was because of the oil then his lens would have to be removed. And if the conjunctiva doesn't shrink back down then it might have to be 'trimmed back' and apparently it doesn't grow back. He said that since Nick is so little, if they did have to do that then his eye would just learn to work with what he had.

We go today to an ophthalmologist here in KC and I'm just praying he doesn't have to be tortured as bad, I know they have to look and he won't like it but I'm praying there's no blood.

 Please be praying for us today, pray for little Nicky, that he won't be in much pain and that some of his eye issues have resolved.

 Here's some HAPPY pictures!!


  1. Me and the boys have been praying for you guys! GOD will protect Nick. My heart goes out to you 2 as parents... I know this cant be easy. LOVE U!


  2. I'm so so sorry you had to go through that, Laura! That's so awful. I pray that His Spirit of Peace will protect your heart and mind from the lies of the Enemy about feeling guilty and a failure. You are an incredible mother and you would do anything for any one of your sweet children!

    I love the picture of little Nikolas smiling! It brought tears to my eyes. I don't know why he is having to go through so much in this life, but I do know that sometimes God uses the smallest and most fragile things in this life to bring us the greatest joy and give us a little window into the heart of who He is. And sometimes we will never understand some things on this side of heaven. Know that we're praying.
    We love, love, love that sweet little boy. Please give him lots of hugs and kisses from his Auntie Amea, Chris and cousin Mason.

    Much love to you guys!

  3. My heart aches reading what you and Nikolas had to go through. There is indeed nothing worst than watching your child hurt, and being so totally helpless in easing that hurt. How strong you were to stand so steadfast while the doctor worked on Nikolas. Hopefully the worst is over, the procedure will have been successful, and the eye will heal.

    I loved seeing the picture of Nikolas laughing! Nikolas is a true CHARGEr alright . . . . so tough, strong, a real fighter, determined, and at the same time continues to melt your heart with his smiles and his joy.

    My prayers will continue for Nikolas,you, and your family. Stay strong.

    Blessings & hugs,
    Linda Baker (Mom to Jeff 27 y.o. CHARGEr)

  4. Well that just sounds awful for BOTH of you. I keep praying for you all. What a strong boy you have!!

  5. you know how they say, God doesnt give you anything you cant handle. Well your family here in N.Y. sends out our thoughts and prayers. I give you sooo much credit cause you never know how strong you really are until its one of your children and then you have no choice but to step up and deal with all that comes your way. I read your blog with intensity and just shudder at the horrific words that i read and just knowing what you and Joey have to go through on a daily basis and there is nothing that you or him can do except pray. As Nicholas seems so determined as he is such a fighter! Hope all will work out. We love and think about your family all the time.
    hope to see you soon..
    Love Steven,Stacie,Darren and Jilliann Ketcham