The WORST 10 minutes of my life...

So Monday Nick had a follow-up with the doctor who performed the surgery. I knew it was going to be painful, for both of us.

I didn't know it would leave a scar on my heart for the rest of my life....

He had to use a speculum to get Nick's eye open, it was still swollen completely shut and I wasn't even able open it with my fingers to put eye drops in. It was so sensitive and tender, of course he started screaming right away. I was holding him the entire time which might have made things harder for me. Mainly because I had a front row view of what was about to happen.
So his eyelids are peeled back and all you can see is tissue, no actual eyeball parts, like the iris and pupil. And then the doctor starts poking around, no big deal, I know it might hurt a little, I'm praying not too much but it will be over soon and everything will be okay....wrong.

Apparently, the congunciva, which is the clear mucous membrane that covers the sclera or the white part of the eyeball (it does not cover the iris or pupil area) was so swollen that it had started to cover the entire eye and grow together over the iris and pupil. This had to be cut to put in the scleral buckle that he had performed during surgery. He said that it was very swollen after surgery and he had a hard time sewing it back together but he was surprised it was still so swollen and actually growing together over the iris.

Here comes the worst part....to be able to look at Nick's retina he had to basically tear it apart.....with sharp, pointy tweezers. It was the goriest scene, it looked like some type of torture tactic performed on enemy spies. Nick was crying like I've never heard him cry before. I prayed that God would take his pain away and give it to me, let him pass out, something...anything....please dear Lord.

The doctor did give Nick quite a few numbing drops and I know that helped but it didn't help me. Here I am holding my baby boy and letting them torture him, just letting him cry. With every part of my being I wanted to push them away and run out of that horrible room. But I didn't, I have quite a bit of guilt from this. I keep trying to remind myself that the doctor knew what he was doing (I pray) and Nick didn't feel much and he really need to look at his eye to really see what was going on and to see how things were looking. But it doesn't take the guilt away.

I kept a poker face the whole time, honestly, I think the nurse was getting queasy. She had to keep looking away. I didn't bother me, the actual procedure, but the torturing my baby boy did...a lot. And I really don't know how Nick didn't pass out... I cried for over an hour after we left the office, I really felt like a failure. Like I didn't do my job as a mommy and keep my baby boy safe. It really was the hardest 10 minutes of my life and I will never, ever, forget it. No matter how much I want to.

As soon as the doctor finished, I held Nick so close and just held him. He fell asleep almost immediately. He slept for 4-5 hours.

Then he woke up happy. Yes, he was happy, he was smiling and acting normal. I was so thankful he wasn't it a ton of pain or crying and I wouldn't know exactly why.

Unfortunately, the doctor also thinks Nick has a cataract now. He said it could be because air got to his lens during the procedure or because of the oil exchange they did during the vitrectomy. If it was because of the air, he said it would resolve itself. But if it was because of the oil then his lens would have to be removed. And if the conjunctiva doesn't shrink back down then it might have to be 'trimmed back' and apparently it doesn't grow back. He said that since Nick is so little, if they did have to do that then his eye would just learn to work with what he had.

We go today to an ophthalmologist here in KC and I'm just praying he doesn't have to be tortured as bad, I know they have to look and he won't like it but I'm praying there's no blood.


 Please be praying for us today, pray for little Nicky, that he won't be in much pain and that some of his eye issues have resolved.


 Here's some HAPPY pictures!!